I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
