Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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