And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
