Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
