omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
