You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
