i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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