blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
