Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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