meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
