Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
