i just wanna soil my oats bro
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
