The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
