the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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