If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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