there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
