i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
