anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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