my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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