hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
