It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just had sex on a roof
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
