is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
