Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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