Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
