i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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