life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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