You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
