Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
