Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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