Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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