I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
