I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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