i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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