sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
