He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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