at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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