I feel like abortions should bother me more
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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