i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
