And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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