I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
