Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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