i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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