and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
