i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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