when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
be right there i have to get my cape
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
