Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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