last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
