I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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