like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
