I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize