I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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