i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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