My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's shark week go big or go home
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
