I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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