if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
