Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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