Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize