I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize