It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
