I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize