she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
